She is 2-3 years younger than my self. I'm so happy for her wedding and sincerely wish that she will be happy forever with her new live. I don't know why wedding news always turn me into such a melancholic person. Have you ever experienced it? Some kind of mix feeling between happy and sad at the same time? I've experienced it a lot and trying to be cool outside (but frankly speaking,  I'm shaking inside).

While others is busy preparing for their new life, I'm just sitting in front of the laptop all day long, watching movies, move from the bedroom to the living room, crying over the movies that I watched.
My mother yell at me sometimes because I was so lazy and ignorant, keeping my self busy with movies in the weekend. I don't know how to tell her that crying over the movies is the way to release this sad feeling.

I've turned 29 years old last January. I'm wondering how fast the time is flying! I feel that 17 is just happen but now I'm at the end of my 20. My mom told me repeatedly that at my age she already has 2 children. It is her way to show me how badly she want me getting married and having children. When my mother told me a story of her friends, about their children are getting married or they are having new grandchildren, I feel sorry to her. I don't know how to response her so that's why I keep remain silent or throw a joke with a wide laugh. To be honest, I'm also missing that moment, having a new family, being a wife, being a mother.

The thing went more miserable when someone asked you when will you are getting married or why you are still not getting married yet. The feeling maybe the same with couple that being asked about not having children yet. I believe that they are not in the purpose to judge me but somehow their question make me feel being judged. When I'm in the good mood, I will response them with a smile or laugh and not forget to ask them pray for me, and I'll easily forget their question. When I feel so tired, this question will turn me down for quite sometime.

There are couple people who throw this sentences to me,
"You are not still move on yet, aren't you?"
"You have high criteria for your husband, aren't you?"
"You are too picky, aren't you?"
"You are too smart, so maybe that's why they (male) are afraid with you. Have you took master degree? If yes, that would be harder for you"
"You are too busy with your work, your career was good, so that's why they feel inferior with you", the best punchline is
"You are career woman, the one that will suit you is career man with similar level or higher. who will it be?"

I don't know how to response them so that's why I just keep smiling. I have a lot to say to them but it won't be enough to make them understand. I don't want to have argument with them about me that learn or work so hard because they don't know my background or my motivation at all. At some point I feel grateful that people around me keep asking or telling me those sentences. It makes me look at my self again, what have I done so far? But at some point, their question makes me feel afraid, I'm afraid of such things that they have thrown to me, about me being picky, about me having high criteria, about me being smart, about me having a good work, about me being dominant. This make me confuse & lost my grip. I'm afraid and it makes me not focus, the mood shifted easily, and not confidence with who I am. Ah, this feeling is annoying and I'm sick of if!

As much as I grow, I see a lot someone who easily fall in love and easily to be loved.
I'm envy with them (lol) but then realized that I don't know for sure what they have been through.
I also see someone who struggle finding their love, even in their older ages. Looking at them giving me hope again that love will find you if you try and pray.

I also feel so grateful having good family and friends who always support me.
My mother will backup me whenever people throwing question about getting married, my brother told me not too take seriously what people think about me working or learning, my friends suggested me to do this and that in order to improve my self, be a better version of me, some of them helped me with introducing with new people, sharing the event that will help me meet new peoples. No more question from them but their affection to me giving me a strength to continue to live the life, keeping me hope that the best time will come soon.

In the moment of down (like today), releasing what you feel is needed to keep you sane. So this writing is kind of healing session for me. I don't know what to write again, so this session will end here.

Thank you for reading.
Dini Anggiani